3.26.2004

you gotta get me one of those jumpsuits

This entry over at Liz Is Working about liquor and the wacky hijinks to which it leads sparked some reminiscing in the User Comments section. You see, when Liz and Kelly were college-aged lasses, they lived in a magical place known as Tacoma and socialized with people like me, otherwise known as "enablers." Enablers are known for their distinct talent for allowing others to formulate ill-advised plans and then validating and aiding in execution of said plans. For instance, stealing Mickey Mouse cakes from Safeway. Suffice it to say, while Liz and Kelly masterminded of all sorts of plans, schemes and attendant mischief--Drunk Liz and Drunk Kelly never quite attained the same level of criminal genius, being, of course, far too inebriated.
Keith's Going-Away Party (tm) provides several examples of these second-rate (and yet still stunningly hilarious) exploits, two of which were actually caught on camera as Keith's asshole loser dumbass friend Jim (who, by the way fathered a son, Nico, two years ago with Leslie) was capturing it for posterity on a rickety old handheld. Just in case you doubt Jim's assholic nature due to my predilection towards exaggerated invective, he, at one point during the Keith's Going-Away Party Video (tm), filmed himself urinating. Classy. Regardless, early on in the party, Drunk Liz came up with one of her patented mischievous plans which was as follows: She and I would bring Drunk Kelly over for a nice little tête-à-tête (if there are three of us, would that be a tête-à-tête-à-tête?) and then when Drunk Kelly least expected it, we would melvin her ass to high heaven. We tried and failed and laughed and Kelly's now-famous line was captured forever on film: "Liz and Ahe tried to seduce me into a wedgie!"
Maybe you had to be there.

The second nefarious scheme, also of Drunk Liz's creation was an attempt to take Drunk Dumb Bald Super-Grossly Flirty Boob-Flaunter down a notch or two. I refrain from mentioning her by name for two reasons: 1) on the off-chance she's as egotistical as the rest of us and googles her name and 2) because she honestly became much nicer and bearable after she pulled a Willow. Regardless, at the time of Keith's Going-Away Party (tm), Drunk Dumb Bald Super-Grossly Flirty Boob-Flaunter was, in fact, a drunk, dumb, bald, super-grossly flirty boob-flaunter. We did not like her for she was grody and also, shamelessly hitting on Drunk Liz's (and indeed, plain Liz's) boyfriend, Nicholas. Drunk Liz, hackles raised, decided that appropriate retribution would be to mix up a frothy concoction of smelly, staining liquid and have me "accidentally" bump into her and send the cup flying all over the DDBSGFBF, rendering her stinky and messy and thus incapable of flirting. After stirring fruit punch and kahlua and beer and soy sauce in Drunk Liz's plastic cup, we readied ourselves for Operation Bump and Spill, but in the midst of preparation, in a strange fortuitous moment, someone actually accidentally bumped into me, and I actually accidentally bumped into Drunk Liz and that cup went flying all over DDBSGFBF. Mission accomplished.

Then, of course, DDBSGFBF went into the kitchen and suggested that someone lick the stuff off of her, because, well, why wouldn't she?