3.29.2004

it is very cold... in space

The thing is, I've been waffling back and forth for, I don't know, a YEAR AND A HALF about moving, for all of the many and varied reasons why one would or would not want to move: rent's too high for a studio, would rather have a one bedroom, but I don't really need a one bedroom and if I do move, it will have to be someplace as convenient--grocery store inbetween home and work 20 min or less walk to work, close enough to bus line in case of torrential rain. Long story short--I decided to stay put for the time being. I talked my rental company down to 600 from 695, so I'm actually getting a pretty good deal on a nice studio, but there's still the whole *studio* issue, so what I am going to do, I've decided, is make more efficient use of space. I've been measuring and brainstorming new layouts and I've finally come to one that I like and feel I can achieve with my current resources.

Now, what I'm trying to segue into is the fact that I've been going through boxes of books and whatall and I've been doing this freakish trip down amnesia lane..diaries, journals, old notes and letters, scrapbooks...it's all very very fun and completely embarrassing at the same time. I'm reading things I wrote from 5 years ago, thinking "Oh my god...is that me? Was I like that? There is no way..." But I was and I'm guessing, still am. We think that we change an awful lot in those formative high school and college years, but not so much, I'm thinking. It's like there's an essential core of you that remains the same no matter what you do or where you go and that's kind of comforting...well, it would be kind of comforting if it weren't for the fact that my essential core is one of general antipathy and contrariness. In one of the old books I unearthed, I found a list that my senior year housemates and I drafted...it was a list of "I am" statements patterned after the "I am Jack's--" from Fight Club. Some of my highlights:

I am Ahe's silent judgment
I am Ahe's need to just tell you
I am Ahe's bad day
I am Ahe's random good deed
I am Ahe's drunken indiscretion
I am Ahe's 30-second mood change
I am Ahe's uncharted depths

Huh. Uncanny.

In other news, I was flipping channels yesterday and came across the last 5 minutes of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, just in time to see Mr. Spock die of radiation poisoning and then Kirk gives the eulogy saying that of all the souls he has known Spock's was the most...human and then they eject his casket-pod into space over the Genesis planet and even though I know that his khatra remained intact and he'll come back to life in the next movie I totally cried. Is that so wrong?