12.22.2003

and now for the greatest thing i saw on tv this week:

as i was flipping channels last night, i came across the fantastic south korean live-action and yet so anime flick hwasango recently re-born on mtv as Volcano High. it's everything you want in cgi-filled matrix-y comic book romp: the totally punk rock high school characters duke it out for supremacy after the leader of the dark oxen, jang yang, frames the kick-ass head boy for attempted murder and unleashes chaos on volcano high. flourescent hair, hot schoolgirls, gravity-defying martial arts sequences and "the school 5: masters of suppressing school wrongdoing" a group of kick-ass substitute teachers brought in to clean up the mess and who do so by jumping into your subconscous ("how DARE you day-dream in my class!!!). there's even a little love story thrown in for the chicks. all this...combined with a rap soundtrack AND the voices are dubbed over by the likes of andre 3000, snoop dogg, kelis, mya and method man.

god bless you, mtv. god bless you.

12.18.2003

i'm gonna kill ALL those, um, guys!

haldir
Congratulations! You're Haldir!


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well. what can i say? when you're right, you're right.

12.17.2003

no longer do the dance of joy, numfar!

and now for a rather lengthy email exchange between myself and the hottest redhead i know, ryan weadon. it all started with my mass email exposing my eeevil plan, the last bit of which was as follows:

--- "ahe" wrote:
so, if i knew i was taking my brother, why didn't i call off the competition? well, because this made it a lot more fun for me. see, because then people would get all excited and then taste the bitter draught of disappointment. bwah-hah-hah-hah.

ahe "and you're, what? shocked and disappointed? i'm *evil.*"

>>you know, i never truly believed in your malificence until just now.
>>can we join forces or do you work alone? i know how it difficult it can be
>>being a pure-evil extract and all. many people know me as satan or "lucifer" in
>>case you weren't aware. we could cause all sorts of mayhem if we worked
>>together. i know a lot of evil-types like to work alone, what with the
>>"cool-vigilante" thing that goes with it but hear me out. we don't have to work
>>together all the time. just on certain projects. say, inundating (deleted for confidentiality)
>>with pro-life subscriptions. or sending (deleted for confidentiality) a fake email telling her she's won
>>an orbitz contest. things of this nature. in other words, if you want to work
>>alone, fine, i'll keep to mine, you keep to yours but if you're in need of an
>>ally, i'm there girl. ready and willing to aid the forces of evil. plus, once
>>in a while, two evil heads are better than one. think about it. tootles!

>>smoochas,
>>ryan

--- "ahe " wrote:
you know, ryan, hithertofore, i had not even contemplated joining forces with another source of evil. i always figured that by nature i work alone and all that. sure, i've had minions, lackeys and the like, but i'm sure you understand that having paeons to order about isn't the same thing as having a true partner in mayhem. i had never, however, considered an evil
alliance on a kind of contract basis--as you said, for certain projects. i very much like this idea. it's difficult to run your nefarious schemes past hired muscle, you know? sometimes you just need the opinions and skills of another agent of evil. i would definitely be open to joining forces for future endeavors. have you given thought to throwing 100 bouncy balls on
the floor of neighbors at 11:30 on a friday night?

>>i'm glad to hear that you are interested in working together. and if your
>>suggestion, which is pure gold by the way, is any indication of the direction
>>our projects will take, that i believe we shall get along quite swimmingly. i
>>won't be in seattle again until the end of the year so unfortunately we'll have
>>to postpone our licentious shenanigans until then. but rest assured, chaos will
>>ensue. eventually. until then.
>>
>>ryan

12.15.2003

i'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!!!

of minimal interest:

last week, a guy from the other side of the floor was chatting up the lunch room about president bush. seems the guy believes that the president is a dumb redneck asshole bent on world domination, with which i have no argument, really. then he said something about how if we found saddam and his cronies, bush would totally have the military bag 'em, bring 'em back to the states and allow for a public execution. so i said, "okay, president bush isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, but a) he's not *that* stupid and b) he doesn't want to take a trip to the hague." this statement, which i had thought slightly clever and deifnitely to the point was met with blank stares.

"the what? that hade?"

the...the hague, you guys. it's in the netherlands...the permaneant court of arbitration? international court of justice? the whole yugoslavia tribunal thing? you know, where milosevic is currently on trial? no, nothing? great.

people were like "oh...wow, you must know a lot about that stuff, huh? to know something obscure like that." what the fuck? i think that, in the tenure of our relationship, i have made it abundantly clear that i don't know shit! i'm not some current events guru and i take the news as it comes to me and i know what the hague is because i took history in high school and i read the news...i mean, how are history and current events like...obscure knowledge? assholes.

heh. and then as i was watching the news on sunday morning, george stephenopoulos (sp?) said they'd either take saddam to the hague or start up a tribunal in iraq and all i could think was, i hope those assholes at work are watching this shit right now.

president bush may be dumb, but i bet he knows what the fucking hague is.

we got 'em dirk, we got 'em

yes, yes, yes saddam hussein apprehended at last, at long last. yes, news on at 8:30, yes, president bush address at 9:15, yes, saddam does look like robert deniro in great expectations, no the war's not over. i'm not going to give you a link because you should know by now. this, however, is all of little to no import now as my psyche is still reeling over the utterly ridiculous move on my part to watch discs three to six of buffy the vampire slayer - the complete fifth season, or as i like to call it, "the ten episode stretch that makes me cry even more than that one episode of the west wing when toby fanagles a proper funeral for the homeless korean war vet with the retarded brother." (tm)

this is where it all goes wrong: riley tries to touch the dark side to get good and troubled so buffy will love him like she loved angel the spike exposes riley's vampire sucky-sucky escapades to the buff-ster who freaks, doesn't listen to riley's pleas and allows him to run off on some covert ops deep cover mission in south america until xander (my love, my sweet love xander) gives her a xander speech which melts her icy heart and she runs off to stop riley and tell him she loves him only to miss his helicopter by TWENTY SECONDS and then warren's sex robot goes berserk and teaches buffy a valuable lesson about not needing a man and then buffy goes home to find her mother DEAD and calls out to her "mom....mom...mommy?" and we all start crying and then buffy tells dawn who falls to the floor in anguish and we all cry harder and then just when we think we've cried enough, we cut to willow, crying and we cry more and then xander and anya come over and anya asks inapproproate questions because her ex-demon self doesn't know how to handle death and she cries and we all cry more and harder and then dawn tried a resurrection spell to bring her mom back, but she and buffy have a tearful, heartfelt talk, during which we cry, and dawn reverses the spell and then glorificus discovers that dawn is, in fact, the key, but not before she's sucked tara's brains and willow cries and we cry and then glory kidnaps dawn and her minions start dawn's blood to flowing to open the interdimensional portal, thus throwing all of existence into total chaos, so buffy sacrifices her life to save the world and she DIES and everybody cries and we cry and it's all very, very sad.

but they bring buffy back to life in season six, so it'll all get better soon, but still, i think the sentiment is real.

12.09.2003

SUCCESS, FULL SUCCESS!!!


abercrombie and fitch has finally pulled their sickeningly sexist, rascist, not even thinly-veiled porn mag.

in the immortal words of wynn rankin: eat this shit, yo.

damn youse guys! damn all of youse!



jason, seriously, jason. i'm going to kill you. i just kicked my online shopping habit and now you've got me hooked on silly quizilla.

as god is my witness, you will pay big.

You are Welcome to the Monkey House!
You're Welcome to the Monkey House! You're a
political activist, or the opposite of it, as
you see the problems in our world. You're
something of a pessimist, but you're just so
damn funny that no one can resist you. You're
an alternative person, you don't work in the
normal "novel" way, but it works for
you. You'd enjoy anything Vonnegut ever wrote,
like Slaughterhouse-5, Hocus Pocus, or Cat's
Cradle.


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12.08.2003

i am an american aquarium drinker

ah, monday, the day of random, broken thoughts. the first being that, ever since nick honomichl and i had a discussion on our mutual love for nu/alt-country/bluegrass, i haven't been able to take dolly parton's halos and horns out of my walkman and the awesomeness that is wilco (and did i mention resting my weary butt during wilco's set at bumbershoot in 2002 five seats away from janeane garafalo? did i?) out of my cd-rom drive. oh windows media player, what would i do without you?

next and speaking of country/bluegrass--i was watching the old VH1 Big in 2003 awards (which is apparently an awards show for the sake of having another awards show), and one of the awards was like best quote or something..and they gave it to natalie maines for her remark to a london audience that she was ashmamed that the president was from texas. i'm sure you all remember the rhubarb that followed: many radio stations pulled their songs, cds were burned, epithets were hurled. bill maher (who i want to punch right in his big, fat libertarian mouth mouth on most other occasions) presented the award to maines saying that she took the heat with grace and turned it into a stand for personal freedom, which i agree with. good on her, honestly. in her acceptance speech, she went on to say "i want to thank all the haters, because you make me strong, empowered, involved and proud. and i thought you might like to know that we have a new CD and a DVD...which is great for y'all because you can burn one and stomp on the other." hah. awesome.

there is one thing troubling, however--i STILL don't understand what the big fucking deal is...i mean, she said something mean about the president...and something relatively benignly negative at that. i have heard way worse things coming out of the mouths of npr commentators, politicians and the entire staff of the daily show with jon stewart. hell, i was at one of those special pearl jam shows at the showbox this year and eddie vedder was onstage in a bush mask, covered in blood...i think. something like that. is the only reason this is such a big deal is that the dixie chicks sing country music? is that it? was there this giant backlash because their core audience tends towards republican convervatism more than the audience of, oh say, bright eyes? because if that's true, that has to be the dumbest fucking thing i have ever heard. there is no real reason this crap should have gotten into the national news cycle. but it did. wonderful.

mmm. speaking of music...like grandpa simpson, i used to be with it...but then they changed what it was. also on this VH1 show, matchbox twenty played a song that has apparently been number 1 for 22 weeks and sold a bazillion copies and blah di blah. right. i have so NEVER heard this song. ever. in fact, i kinda thought matchbox twenty had stopped making music because nobody likes their crap. (the lead singer has a hot voice, though. he should sing alt-coutry. i'd buy that.)

oh, and lastly: i TOTALLY wanted to watch the new sci-fi channel cersion of battlestar galatica...until i found out that starbuck is now a girl. STARBUCK IS A GIRL!?!?!?! wha-huh-whuh? first of all, starbuck is CLEARLY a boy's name and second...what the fuck? starbuck is not a girl! i hate the sci-fi channel. bastards.

12.04.2003

some degrading psalm of praise

just in case you were wondering, my perfect emo singer boyfriend would be:

conor
Conor Oberst from Bright Eyes


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now, while i love conor oberst and desesparicidos and bright eyes there is no goddamn way i'm going to have some skinny whiny emo kid boyfriend.

gosh, he is cute though isn't he? and he gave me the title of this blog, so i reckon it's appropriate that he be my honey.

12.03.2003

i have a delicate system

so thanksgiving with the fam was pretty fun. in retrospect, it was a bad move to spend the previous night with all those seattle assholes, drinking and partaking of illegal substances because i was running on 45 minutes of sleep and a tragically bad hangover. luckily, the food was good enough to cut through the cotton mouth, especially the yummy special stuffing my grandfather makes. it’s magic, i swear. one stuffing to rule them all.

yes. my little brothers were very excited to see me, which they expressed by either ignoring me and watching ESPN or by asking me to play every board game in the house, followed by every card game known to man, at which, i swear to god, they cheated, the tricksy hobbitses. oh, and my 16-year old brother has apparently recently discovered both sarcasm and irony—for which he will pay dearly.

on saturday, my mother forced me, i mean, asked if i wanted to spend the day shopping for my christmas presents. for those of you who don’t know, my parents give us money, have us pick out our presents and then hide them in their closets until they show up under the tree signed “santa.” this has both positive and negative aspects, namely that i get to pick what i want…but i can’t fucking have it until christmas…which really isn’t that bad, seeing as how patience is one of my main virtues. and by “patience is one of my main virtues,” i mean “my lack of patience is world-renowned.” mom dragged my ass halfway around the state and back and all i really have to show for it is a coat, some sweaters and about 85 dvds (and i want to watch maison ikkoku right fucking now).

the only excitement I got was on the way home. my flight was cancelled, so I had to spend another night there…then I couldn’t get a flight out until 2:00 the next day and it had a connecting in oakland, which was, naturally, delayed, because, why wouldn’t it be, huh? and then, on the flight to seattle, the turbulence was so bad that I almost threw up, seriously, i had the bag out and all. i suppose it was a good thing, focusing on potentially vomiting, considering that it took my attention off of potentially dying. so, that was nice, i guess.

and now i’m back at work. woo-hoo.

and, if i may continue with a total non sequitur: i’m going to take a cue from ryan “sexy pants” weadon and end this email with a little contest. as you know, i have a spare ticket for that LOTR fiasco on December 16th (starting at 1:00 PM)…so, shoot me an email and tell me not why YOU deserve it, but why everyone else on this list DOESN’T deserve it. i’ll pick the best, put it to a vote and let you know the winner post haste.

the lesson is: never try...

i just got back in to work after a long, long weekend and i can't write a fat entry now, but this must be said, by me: i just checked my hotmail acocunt for the first time since wednesday and WHAT THE FUCK?!?! it's all different and shit and i fucking hate it...i don't care what those asshole munchkins on the chicken mcnuggets commercial say, change is NOT good, goddammit.

change it back!!!