i'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert

i have nothing to report. just wanted to get the above quote down before i forgot it.


what we need to do is invent bombs that destroy ideas...

ah, the butterfly effect.

i flapped my wings over jonathon brandis' death and that started a chain reaction that led to liz's post, my subsequent comments and now to kelly's flowing cascade of persnickety stories.

in brief: persnickety is the nickname of a particularly abominable young man with whom i went to college. among his less desirable traits: excessive spitting while speaking and incessant nostril-spelunking. kelly has set the bar pretty high for persnickety stories, so please forgive me if mine isn't quite up to snuff.

junior year, liz, kelly and i lived with two lighthouse girls named...the blonde and the brunette. the brunette, apparently, had been beseiged with persnickety's romantic advances for the better part of the semester. one evening, as she told us of his many charms (did i say "charms?" i mean "freakishly freaky freakishness") she said, "you HAVE to listen to his voicemail...it's HILARIOUS." so we giggled our way to the phone and dialed the number she gave us, all the while praying that he wouldn't answer, which he didn't, treating us to the worst (and best) voicemail outgoing message ever. i can't give it to you verbatim, but here is an artist's rendering, if you will: (a note on persnickety's voice: since he has a sinus problem, his speech is peppered with snorts and sniffles and that sickening sound of a loogie being forced down behind the back of one's throat.)

"um... um uh, you've uh reached persnickety's voicemail and um, i'm um not in right now because i'm uh out living it up, because uh, you know, that's college! i could be uh, in the uh library with the books uh, doing work because you know, that's college! always the um not having a lot of time and well, that's college!"

this went on for like a minute and a half. i think he said "that's college" 17 times. we called again. we listened. we laughed. we called again. we listened. we laughed. kelly laughed so hard she peed a little, seriously. then on the fourth time, i dialed the number and held the phone to my ear and to my utter surprise, persnickety picked up the line.

persnickety: uh, hel-lllow?
ahe: ...shocked silence...
p: um, hello?
a: ...whispering... he picked up...what do i do?
liz: HANG UP!
p: um, is anybody there?
a: well um...THAT'S COLLEGE!!!

and then i hung up.

good times.


i came to you in friendship..well, all right, seething hatred.

i love quizilla. this i have known since the first day boredom led me to the site. oh, quizilla, you magnificent bastard. quizilla is where most bloggers get the little quizzes and buttons that say "You are Legolas!" or "You are Armani!" or of late on jason's blog (i can't find the permalink and i'm not willing to try very hard) "You are DNA!"

heather recently forwarded the geekiest of all geek-out quizzes...my results are:

You are Conversations with Dead People! You are
critically praised, but you killed Jonathan.
You bastard!

Which Drew Goddard Episode Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i took a quiz to tell me which episode of buffy the vampire slayer written by drew goddard i am. now honestly...NERD ALERT.

percy here was head boy...

i feel like a little part of my childhood just died. like when i watched star wars episode two, only way worse.


the red sun rises

so, i have officially begun the descent into madness that is my preparation for the lord of the rings: the fellowship of the ring and the two towers extended version double feature lead-in to the premiere of the return of the king. trilogy tuesday, december 16th. i will be taking the day off of work and it will be glorious. the fellowship begings at 1:00, followed by the two towers at 5:30 and the finale at 10:00. i'm so excited that i pee a little everytime i think about it. this will be roughly a 13-hour marathon and i need to come up with a fail-safe game plan. i have no doubts that my rock-hard ass will hold up well during the festival, especially when you take into account the hour break between part one and two and the half hour between two and three.

my main concerns are as follows: provisions, restroom breaks and not moving an inch during the return of the king. provisions will be the easiest of the three. i generally consume 1.5 litres of water during a film, therefore, i will bring 3 litres. FOTR will be my lunch movie and during the film, i will consume a carefully prepared, not easily spillable lunch, such as a sandwich, followed by one or more small snacks. during TTT for dinner, i will purchase popcorn and a hot dog and consume them with equal fervor. Dessert during ROTK will consist of licorice, swedish fish and peanut butter twix.

since i have the extended versions at home, i will start hashing out a tentative plan for the restroom. clearly, the women's bathrom will be packed during the intermissions, so i will have to take my urination breaks during FOTR and TTT. i will need, of course, to go to the cinerama and do a bathroom dry-run and see how long it will take me to get form the theatre to the stall and back again and then add that time to the length of my average pee break (which is 2 minutes). then, i will watch the movies and figure out the precise moments that a trip to the restroom will be acceptable and commit that list to memory. during the actual festival, i will use those times and those times alone to go quick like a bunny, empty my bladder, wash my hands and run back.

lastly, i must ensure that i do not, under any circumstances, leave the theatre during the return of the king. barring any type of natural disaster or personal emergency, the only thing that would lead me from the theatre would be the need to urinate, therefore, all food and ESPECIALLY all drink during TTT will be consumed during the first hour and a half, which will [prompt me to use the facilities before TTT has concluded. no water will be allowed until the last 45 minutes of ROTK.

now for the fun part. i have two tickets. one for me and one for some lucky asshole. i have yet to make any offers because whomever comes with will need to adopt my game plan (or one similar) and not object to sitting on the aisle. so, if you're intersted, let me know. or maybe i'll go alone and sell the ticket for 300 bucks on ebay.


i thought you were grown in some sort of a greenhouse for dandys

so v. busy. so v. stressed out. will post randomness until brain swelling subsides. made a mix cd. it is awesome. i totally rule. also, i likes me some whiny pussy music.

the postal service – nothing better
love – alone again or
the shins – new slang
simon & garfunkel - only living boy in new york
wilco – jesus etc.
elliot smith – clementine
coldplay - don't panic
the decemberists – los angeles, i’m yours
iron & wine - such great heights
violent femmes – i held her in my arms
kings of leon – train
john guilt – smokestacks and graveyards
the walkmen – wake up
remy zero - fair
blonde redhead – a cure
bitter, bitter weeks – still as a stream
galaxie500 – blue thunder
frou frou - let go
pete yorn – crystal village
nick drake - one of these things first
ben kweller – how it should be (sha sha)
jude - you mama you
dolly parton - dagger through the heart
joan baez – it’s all over now, baby blue


oh, i've had office romances...loads

my mom sent me a couple of boxes of books (oh, madeline l'engle, how i have missed your masterworks) as well as these trapper keeper folders that i haven't seen since i graduated form high school and packed up my room. there were papers and notes and discs of old emails that i kept for some reason. this was depressing as i discoverd that in regards to academics and sheer hilarity of email, i really peaked in high school. also, i knew and could use in asentence the wor d"quixotic" when i was thirteen years old. since i don't really have tons of time to create all new fabu entires in this time of stress, i'm just going to post some of the crap i found in those old boxes. following this, i've put an email i wrote to my friend heidi sakuma in 1997. as backstory: jim scott took over as president of my school that year and i guess announced his intentions to get rid of win healy, the principal of the academy and the smartest man alive and replace him with some college crony. hmm.

I've just got to say, "What the HELL is Jim Scott thinking?" Oh yeah, that rat bastard Healy. I'm gonna fire him, cuz I'm the President, nuh-hyuk!. What a collossally stupid move. Does he realize that he's just alienated the entire faculaty, staff and Board of Directors?

Someone's been hitting the crack, methinks.

"Wow. President of Punahou. Whoa...I'm God now! Man, I'm gonna fire Healy! I can fly!"

What a moron. The man is toast. Toast, says I. I mean, everyone will hate him. If there was anyone to canonize at punahou, it was Healy. I mean, aside from being the tallest human being on the planet (well, I guess his son Than is the tallest human being on the planet now), he’s COOL. Tall AND cool, what a concept.

Scott should just kneecap himself and save his administration for the misery of the next 15-20 years.

“OW! What was that for?”

“You’re an idiot. It’s all part of the service. Have a pleasant day.”

I wouldn’t be surprised if armed uprisings were in the works. You know…enthusiastic… how the Academy teachers get when they’re mobilized behind something.

“President Scott? We have a status report: we’re steadily losing ground around Dillingham. The theatre department has somehow dug an underground tunnel to Montague and the Music reinforcements are pouring down our front lines. Also, machine-gun towers were erected around the perimeter of the Academy. Any attempt at entrance has been met with excessive force. We lost an entire squad of sappers to a nest manned by a cadre of English teachers. They’re animals—cheering and screaming Ayn Rand and Doestoyevsky quotes while gleefully mowing down our troops!”

“Bloody Hell! Where are the troops I was promised from Buildings and Grounds?”

“Sir, they’ve thrown their loyalty behind the revolutionaries…”

“TERRORISTS!!! I’ve told you a million times, they’re TERRORISTS!!!”

“Sorry, sir, the, uh *terrorists* are currently buzzing about the campus in modified go-carts, dousing our troops with napalm and beating them over the head with Norton Anthologies.”

Oh. This could go on for days. We could have Jon scott as played by Gary Oldman, Tim Roth as one of Scott’s evil henchmen who dies horrifically, John Rhys-Davies as Norm Hindley and someone heroic, tall and cool as Healy…Oh, Liam Neeson! With stilts. Throw in Harvey Keitel for a token nude-male scene and we’ve got ourselves a flick here.


you know, light-hearted, fancy-free

i thought i would be remiss in not pointing out that i just ran into jason ronbeck walking the streets (not in a prostituty way) near my office. i don't think i'd seen him in person for like two years. weird. oh, and he got really cute--mothers, lock up your sons!

so i'm like asthma?

my updates may be less frequent as our death march towards workforce reduction continues. everyone's pretty freaked out and gross--and i'm no exception. i've actually found a job at which i am good and like at the same time. oh, and that pays well. management hasn't decided on anything yet--they really have no idea what direction the company or the division is going, so we'll see how it all goes. cross your fingers for us kiddies in luxury positions.


at the late night, double feature picture show

gary ridgway pleaded guilty to 48 counts of murder this morning. apparently, this makes the so-called green river killer the most officially prolific serial killer in american history. my bus runs right by the courthouse. i was within 200 feet of this guy today. i feel dirty all over.


you guys are melvins, and i'm not one of you; so you go ahead and be melvins and leave me alone

i suppose i should have some post about the halloween festivities of this weekend, but like every other year ever halloween has come and gone and no wacky hijinks have ensued. didn't see any particularly awesome costumes. there were like 8 wolverines and 17 wonder women, though, which was sad because it turned perfectly good costumes annoying. beth's boyfriend dave came as that verizon guy after meeting an angry mob. this made my heart hurt because i love the verizon guy--he is nice and cute and his nerdy glasses perfectly compliment mine. rachel came in a remarkably good mr. hanky the christmas poo costume which made me 1) laugh heartily then 2) feel kinda grossed out because i was talking to someone dressed as crap and later 3) get a little uncomfortable because however, unintentionally, she kinda looked like she was in blackface (see jason's post on a related subject) i enjoyed chris byron's turn as a mormon on his mission, mostly because of the bike helmet. oh, and at the team-costume party i went to on saturday night, i saw a dawson, a pacey and a joey *and* a buffy, a spike, and an angel. yay for love triangles!

but other than that, this halloween weekend was like every other weekend, just with costumes. oh, and i cried once each day: on friday, as i stood waiting for a cab in my cheerleader outfit and 27 degree weather, i cried because i was so cold. i wasn't sad, i think it was the only way my body had of expressing itself. on saturday, i cried terrified tears at a victorian haunted house. oh, and sunday--i sobbed uncontrollably at the end of disney's brother bear. that movie was sad...and happy. like the lion king, only with bears and phil collins.


hello, gorgeous

i've always assumed that the inability to deliver a compliment on a woman's physical attributes without coming off as a skanky pick-up artist was a genetic anomaly endemic to straight men. i feel obliged to record what struck me as one of the least genital-retracting compliments i've ever received:

i went to the halloween party at jon and johnny's house in full cheerleader regalia. all agreed that the incongruity of my personality and the costume was hilarious. beth came as yeoman rand and some random girl was a very under-dressed wonder woman. much later in the evening, beth and i were talking to johnny and he said "you know, i'm trying to figure out which person has been more distracting to conversations this evening: you (meaning me), beth or wonder woman." when pressed to explain, johnny maintained that according to his observation, when one of the three of us walked by, at least all the males engrossed in a conversation would turn and look.

complimentary, but non-threatening.

me like.